Somehow I got here and it amazes me. Am I really at week 19?! Am I really only 1 week away from week 20?! I guess keeping my focus has helped the time go by and today, when I stepped on the scale, it said I was at 252.6 lbs. I felt such a big burst of joy knowing that I'm almost out of the 250's. In 19 weeks I have bettered myself and I feel amazing. With this week's weigh-in, I lost another 3.4 lbs and the total weight loss is 56.4 lbs in 19 weeks! Oh my gosh you guys! I'm really doing it this time and I'm so proud of me.
I have to be honest though... this week was a hard one for me. Yes I have many new great habits, but it's almost as if my body is starting to resist my efforts and it's frustrating to me. Big time! I've been having a harder time getting to bed at 10. I have been really craving carbs. I find that we have had too many lazy summer days this week and I haven't been pushing myself in my workouts. Yes I lost 3.4 pounds so I must have been doing something right, but there is a fassy feeling inside of me that worries me. It's that feeling of "oh I can have these carbs, because I've been working so hard" or "I'll let myself have this cheat day and I'll be better tomorrow". These are sentences I know WAY TOO WELL and it's why I'm seeing a red flag.
This whole week I've been chatting Mr. Sonboul's ear off, trying to find where it's all coming from and I think I've figured it out. There is something about hitting a goal that allows us to stop for a breather and taking that breather, in my opinion, is not a good thing. I reached my goal and felt amazing and within 1 week I let myself relax. It's almost as if I'm longing to be the thinner Heidi and still be able to eat as I please. Sure you can have yummy things and be healthy, but you can't eat whatever you want all the time and never gain weight. This makes me realize even more how MUCH I am emotionally attached to food. Here I am months into good habits and the honest truth is... the old fassy habits are just waiting for me to take a breath.
I want these steps I've taken to be life changing. I want the thinner healthier Heidi to stop thinking about food. Just writing this makes me sad and that's not okay. I feel like food has tricked me into thinking it's my friend, but the real truth is it's fuel for my body and nothing more! There is nothing wrong with loving food, but attaching emotions to it is, and I've spent too many years allowing this. Too many years! I know that if I just keep evaluating myself, staying honest with my daily efforts and keep moving, this issue will slowly go away and I will one day respect fueling my body. Boy oh boy... it's amazing how I feel like I've come so far, but am only half way up the mountain. I know I can reach the top, it's going to really take me believing in myself to get me there!