I've been meaning to blog about this for over a month, but my heartache is still so strong. If you all remember I had a terrible miscarriage back in march and sadly it took place on weekend I'll always remember. Easter weekend. It's been several months and I feel that I can breathe again, but the wounds from the loss are still so out in the open. I know that most women would never share these thoughts, because it hurts way too much to share. However I now know first hand that it helps to know someone made it through such a rough trial.
If I were still preggo today I would be 8 months. I would know the sex of the baby, we would have the name picked out and I would have the crib put together. However I am not and just thinking those words cause me to tear up. I have had many different people sharing their stories and thoughts with me over these last few months and even though they were such kind things to say, nothing can truly comfort such a loss. I think the hardest part of getting preggo the same time as a friend, is that their pregnancy is a constant reminder of your due date. You want so badly to be happy for them and you are, but hearing them talk about sleepless night and heartburn... as crazy as it sounds... you become jealous!
Now let's talk about phantom pregnancy moments. It doesn't happen to everyone, but it's real. When you lose your baby, sometimes your body will still think it's preggo from all the hormones. So here I am months after the miscarriage and I still get morning sickness a couple of times a week. I still throw up and there are things I still can't eat or smell. I from time to time still feel like there is a baby in there and in order to make it go away, I have to say to myself "You are not pregnant. You had a miscarriage". It usually works and I'll feel better within minutes. So weird right? Yep... it totally sucks! Oh and every time my cycle comes around again, I get horrible migraines... when I never had them from before. My understanding is that my body is confused and again thinks it's preggo. They last for 4 days and then go away. That totally sucks too!
Ya know, over all I am so much better. April I was a wreck, June a wreck, July I could sleep again, Aug/Sept I could breathe and I was able to talk about it without crying too much and Oct I am blogging about it. Yes I still long for that baby, but I'm better. I have had many happy days and the love from my boys has helped me move forward. Although... let me tell you, even with all that progress you will still have those "down days" from time to time. I was doing great for about 3 weeks and then just last Sunday there was a baby blessing at church. This baby girl was the most beautiful little thing and it was in that moment my face became flushed and I was fighting back the tears. Oh man it's so hard to control those tears. Luckily Calvin needed to go to the bathroom just moments after and it was my out. We went to the bathroom and with my face buried in my hands (standing in the corner of the room), I let it all out. Oh man did I let it all out.
So when can you get preggo again? My doctor told me I could after 2 normal cycles, but here is the thing... they are still not 100% normal and even though it's better, I still think I have a mild case of postpartum depression. I have had many friends say "just get pregnant again and you'll feel better", but there is something in me holding off. It could be my fear that it could happen again, but I really think it's because I want to wait for the due date of this lost baby (Nov 4th). It's my weird way of healing and making sure I'm okay before moving forward. It's me wanting to remember this lost family member.
What have I learned from all of this. 1. Heavenly Father has a plan and even when it's hard to understand, there IS a plan. 2. Slow down. It's so important to slow down and remember to take it day by day. I wish I could undo that busy day when I started bleeding, but I can't. Slow down! 3. It's okay to hurt and make sure to heal at your pace. Who cares what someone else is doing or how fast they healed. Take your time and heal. 4. It's okay to tell people and talk about it. It's also okay to say "I'm not ready to hear your story". So many people want to share and sometimes... it can cause more issues... more sorrow. Tell those people "no thanks". I promise... it's okay! 5. Don't be afraid to share your thoughts with your children. They are hurting too. Allow them to talk about it. It's important they heal too. 6. Don't forget about your hubby. He is hurting too and it's hard to always be the rock. Remember to get him to talk about his feelings too.
I hope this post will help those women looking for answers, as I was. It will get better, but make sure you take the time you need to heal. It's perfectly fine to do so.
And before I go... I want to thank my man. My Mr. Sonboul. I know you are hurting as much as I am and your countless neck rubs to help with the migraines have been so helpful and wonderful. I love you so much and I'm so grateful that we were able to have that baby, even if it was for just a short time. Thank you for loving me so much and being my rock.